The Killer Queen Above the Pub.

I live above a bar, which is why my rent is cheap for the area.

However, let it be known that I live above MacDuff's Public House, which has almost everything I would ask for in a bar:

1. They blast several Queen songs a night. Right now my chair is vibrating to the live version of "Somebody To Love" that my sister put on a mix tape for me.

2. It's European in it's casualness, but has a fabulous curved copper bar that makes it cosmo.

3. A lot of young professionals, whackies, and college kids come here. All the other bars on The Ave attract divorcees and swingers.

4. Drinks are tall and reasonable.

5. My chair is now vibrating to "Under Pressure."

6. Really good modern cuisine that comes displayed like sculptures.

7. Dining area is suitable for a nice date, a lunch meeting or a game of chess over coffee because the tables are wooden chessboards and they keep glass playing pieces in the back.


8. They play Lord of the Rings on a plasma screen.

9. One of the owners, Arjun, is a man about town and always gives me the lowdown on local happenings. He's superchic too.

10. No designated driver needed.

So, after stressing for weeks - no, actually months - about finding the right therapist, I had finally settled on one. I won't use any names, but I will say that she shares a last name with a very fancy hotel in Greenwich... It all seemed so perfect. She was on my insurance plan and I found her as a reccommended resource on the triangle community center's website (that's the center for gayness in Fairfield County, CT). Anyway, she sounded fantastic and I was thrilled - because I choose my therapists primarily on how they sound on the phone. Jeez! I had one leave me a message and it sounded like she hadn't had human contact in years. Another guy was nuerotic on his voicemail and stressed the fact that I needed to leave a message SLOWLY! with my name and number. You'd think that after three decades of living with answering machines that people would stop having to explain how to use them. But anyway, this hotel heiress sounded fantastic, except there was one weird moment where she said, "Now I AM allergic to fragrances." And when I immediately said "oh, I NEVER wear cologne, so don't worry," she simply continued to implore me to remember to NOT wear ANY kind of scent on the day of my appointment. She also bombarded me with all of these tasks like calling my insurance company to pre-approve the visit and then calling her back and also making a photo copy of my insurance card for her. But, I thought, it's ok. It's ok! She sounds cool. So, she's a little OCD about the cologne. That's fine. I don't like Cologne that much either.

Well, after being basically forced into taking an appointment for 10:15 on a Thursday, I thought to myself, Good Lord! I don't want to to leave work in the middle of the day, go pour my heart out to some stranger and then come back to work. Plus, I'm swamped these days at work and 10-12 is the most productive 2 hours of my day. So, I called to see if I could reschedule for before or after work. Maybe 5 or 6 on a weeknight. Or maybe even 8 or 9 in the morning. Well, I guess this woman works bankers hours. She said to me, "Well, if that's what you're looking for, then I don't think I'm the right person for you." Christ, lady, what if I had rejection issues? Oh wait, I do...

I mean seriously, what do you want me to do, go to work all stressed out, leave for a self-indulgent sob-fest and then go right back to work as if nothing happened? Screw you, Diane. I thought I had found someone. I thought I had finally found THE ONE. I was willing to over-look your eccentricities because it all seemed too serendipidous to be true. I bonded with you the moment I heard your voicemail and now you're telling me that you're not willing to put the extra effort into this relationship? You simply can't wake up in time? are you kidding me? What about my needs? I've been wating to find the right fit for too long and now I have to start all over again? Thanks alot, byatch. Thanks for just exacerbating every issue that i have and refusing to talk to me about any of them. Real professional!

One of your customers, perhaps?

I'm sure you see plenty of this on the Promenade. BTW, do you have a trendy esoteric nickname for that shopping way, as I call Greenwich Avenue "The Ave?"

so thats where mom's shrug went!

yeah i said it, that hunk of lego-looking plasticrap in the centre du promenade troisième is by far the most hideous and downright depressing piece of tree this world has offered. and i opin' from experience: i work not only next to it, but FACING the thing!

so i just drew a picture to further explain my pain here. also, the tree is a weird attempt at cubism i think (just my theory) because its really just a stack of green squares, theyre not even cool-looking enough to be recognized as 3d. and at the foot of the situation is a mound of tacky white "glaciers" and cotton "snow" with wax animals sprinkled here and there. to top it all off, because i guess they got to the point where they were beyond seeing the ugliness and began to get used to it so they overworked it... is a wire cone with a metal ribbon proclaiming "peace on earth" in classy brush script.

so without further ad'... my drawing, and a shitty picture (i promise ill get a cell with a decent cam on it).
in conclusion, this is my job here. and please take note of the crazy in the picture. thanks.

My Madonna Outfit

After watching Madonna's Confessions Tour on NBC, and upon learning that the night before Thanksgiving is the biggest bar night of the year, and upon thusly making tentative plans with my boyfriend, I was inspired to raid your closet to make this fabulous getup: