thats "update" for you kids.
while good old santa crazymonica is boring lately, filled like a fatty creme puff with racial slurs (and in MY household!) and crazy-go-nuts let-downs like dominoes-go-nuts, there have been some things making my days glow a little. rrradioactively!
rapidfireGO!
1) upon being absolutely utterly ridiculously bored one day at work, i decided to think. heres what i experienced:
"i want to learn how to skateboard. everyone here does it. even that one super conservative guy i saw was skateboarding like a maniac. matt doug's roommate said he would teach me how to surf. i should do that. but what if i got attacked by a shark and it only ate my toe? would i still wear flip flops or would i feel so self-conscious? it would be cool to be able to tell a story like that. i like good stories that are true. like the homeless haircut i got. i have to ask renee."
here are the texts that followed:
me: if you lost a toe would you still wear sandals?
ney: well that depends on which toe.
me: lets say the middle.
ney: Actually i'd just get a tiny hook to replace the toe and ONLY wear sandles.
2) some little suckup girl who said to me "youre beautiful...AND nice!" and shouted "GOD BLESS YOU GUYS" while walking away and blowing us kisses.
3) holding a 4 month old baby french bulldog named coco who fell asleep on me and then woke up, looked at me and kissed me.
4)recieving Buffy the Vampire Slayer the movie on DVD from matt.
5)recognizing that right now, there arent really awful things happening in my life, and that if i take it one step at a time, yeah, im doing fine.
i miss all ya'all though. every day theres something that reminds me of you (whether its hearing "Feliz" play in a coffee shop, or seeing a sequin tap-pant bodysuit while walking in abbott-kinney). i know ive only been out here for three months, but i feel like its been years. the west coast really sucks the life out of you. everyones so into themself that you kind of just have to ignore time... when i go home ill probably have a rip van wynkle beard and sleeping cap. not because thats how much LA has sucked the life out of me, but because thats the trend thats sweeping the nation.
love you guys,
thank you, goodnight!
Monday, December 11, 2006
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Jest Rock lives!
Last night I saw an example of how a band can be plagued from Lead Singer's Disease.
The band looked promising at first. The lead singer was a site for sore eyes, with chiseled muscles and the goth version of Liza Minelli's coif. The bassist looked like he was in Legolas's posse, with Egyptian eye makeup and Elven features. Finally, the bassist had a rock version of the Rachael 'do, a pot belly, and Slash's guitar.
As soon as the music started, which was old people's emo with titles/choruses such as "Leave Me Alone" and "Without You," I realized they were a modern Spinal Tap (unbeknownst to them). The singer obviously practices his moves in front of the mirror, and then dictates the choreography to the rest of the guys at what must be dreadful rehearsals.
The choice move: he and the bassist would do one-legged lunges, then nod threateningly at each other in time with the chords. The bassist was usually concentrating on his playing, but would then get a look on his face of obligation, and then start jumping up and down... off beat.
There was a tiny platform at the front of the stage, and the singer jumped onto it to sneer at the audience and show off his barre chords. As soon as he hopped off to hike his leg on the drum riser and sneer over there, the shy bassist tried to jump onto the platform. However, the singer had his foot on the bassist's chord, so the bass player awkwardly snapped back from the platform like a yo-yo.
The guitarist put in too much conditioner, and his hair was silky smooth. So smooth that it would drape down in front of his eyes every time he did a solo, forcing him to flamboyantly flip his head back. But whereas Axl Rose does that and a glorious, triumphant mane follows, this guy's Rachael 'do would sadly slide right back into its inconvenient place.
The finale featured a blasphemy in staging: while the guitarist did lead vocals on one song, the normal lead singer jumped up onto the platform into a patch of spotlight, and started lunge-playing again. When someone else is guest singing, you don't upstage them by showering yourself in white light and aggressively touting your badly played power chords. I was praying he'd twist his ankle in his elevator boots and fall off stage.
What upstaged all of them, however, was a drunken, potbellied fellow in the audience that danced in the empty bar like he owned the place through the whole set. His chioce moves were:
1. Toe tapping like a gazelle and
2. Clasping his hands above his head and schwinging his hip to the side
He looked like Humpty Dumpty doing a burlesque version of the choreography in Jest Rock's Bicycle Race.
The band looked promising at first. The lead singer was a site for sore eyes, with chiseled muscles and the goth version of Liza Minelli's coif. The bassist looked like he was in Legolas's posse, with Egyptian eye makeup and Elven features. Finally, the bassist had a rock version of the Rachael 'do, a pot belly, and Slash's guitar.
As soon as the music started, which was old people's emo with titles/choruses such as "Leave Me Alone" and "Without You," I realized they were a modern Spinal Tap (unbeknownst to them). The singer obviously practices his moves in front of the mirror, and then dictates the choreography to the rest of the guys at what must be dreadful rehearsals.
The choice move: he and the bassist would do one-legged lunges, then nod threateningly at each other in time with the chords. The bassist was usually concentrating on his playing, but would then get a look on his face of obligation, and then start jumping up and down... off beat.
There was a tiny platform at the front of the stage, and the singer jumped onto it to sneer at the audience and show off his barre chords. As soon as he hopped off to hike his leg on the drum riser and sneer over there, the shy bassist tried to jump onto the platform. However, the singer had his foot on the bassist's chord, so the bass player awkwardly snapped back from the platform like a yo-yo.
The guitarist put in too much conditioner, and his hair was silky smooth. So smooth that it would drape down in front of his eyes every time he did a solo, forcing him to flamboyantly flip his head back. But whereas Axl Rose does that and a glorious, triumphant mane follows, this guy's Rachael 'do would sadly slide right back into its inconvenient place.
The finale featured a blasphemy in staging: while the guitarist did lead vocals on one song, the normal lead singer jumped up onto the platform into a patch of spotlight, and started lunge-playing again. When someone else is guest singing, you don't upstage them by showering yourself in white light and aggressively touting your badly played power chords. I was praying he'd twist his ankle in his elevator boots and fall off stage.
What upstaged all of them, however, was a drunken, potbellied fellow in the audience that danced in the empty bar like he owned the place through the whole set. His chioce moves were:
1. Toe tapping like a gazelle and
2. Clasping his hands above his head and schwinging his hip to the side
He looked like Humpty Dumpty doing a burlesque version of the choreography in Jest Rock's Bicycle Race.
It's That Time of Year Again and Again and Again
I love this time of year, but I am always angered by how people here on the east coast are constantly shocked by the fact that the holidays and winter are fast approaching. Now, Ney and I are no dummies. We are fully aware of the fact that black friday is no longer the unofficial beginning of xmas. It's really the day after halloween, or "all souls' day" for those devout catholics amongst us... Anyway, that's why we began listening to christmas music in mid october. Why fight it?
Yet, I still hear old ladies and stiff-shirted corporate men whining about how "early christmas seems to be coming this year" and "all you hear on the radio is christmas this and christmas that." Yeah, no shit! Star 99.9 is all holiday all the time, AND I LOVE IT!!!! If you don't like it, listen to NPR, fools!
"It's too much Christmas. By the time the holiday actually comes, you're so tired of it, no one cares!" Yeah right, don't YOU get tired of reciting the same complaints every year?
Unrelated, but sort of still related, we live in New England. Yes. The weather is weird this time of year. One week might be 65-70 and the next, 35-30. Still, everyone living here seems to get amnesia when Decemeber comes and for some reason goes berserk if we have an "unseasonably warm" day. Ok, I know global warming's an issue, but when have we NOT had a day or two in December that's gone above 60? Calm down, kids. Soon enough you'll be griping about not being able to feel your face from January to March and you'll be bitching about all christmas shopping and partying you missed because the holidays flew by too fast.
Slow down, you easties and enjoy a yultide carol in early october or an outdoor cafe in mid december. Like our old fellow Connecticutite, Mark Twain once said, "Don't like the weather in New England?... Wait a minute!"
Yet, I still hear old ladies and stiff-shirted corporate men whining about how "early christmas seems to be coming this year" and "all you hear on the radio is christmas this and christmas that." Yeah, no shit! Star 99.9 is all holiday all the time, AND I LOVE IT!!!! If you don't like it, listen to NPR, fools!
"It's too much Christmas. By the time the holiday actually comes, you're so tired of it, no one cares!" Yeah right, don't YOU get tired of reciting the same complaints every year?
Unrelated, but sort of still related, we live in New England. Yes. The weather is weird this time of year. One week might be 65-70 and the next, 35-30. Still, everyone living here seems to get amnesia when Decemeber comes and for some reason goes berserk if we have an "unseasonably warm" day. Ok, I know global warming's an issue, but when have we NOT had a day or two in December that's gone above 60? Calm down, kids. Soon enough you'll be griping about not being able to feel your face from January to March and you'll be bitching about all christmas shopping and partying you missed because the holidays flew by too fast.
Slow down, you easties and enjoy a yultide carol in early october or an outdoor cafe in mid december. Like our old fellow Connecticutite, Mark Twain once said, "Don't like the weather in New England?... Wait a minute!"
Saturday, December 2, 2006
here, we say "the prom"
you have the ave, but here we shorten "the promenade" to "the prom" for sure.
ive decided to give you a few tidbits on the colloquialisms ive picked up on/embraced since ive moved here to the great Sant Monique (no its just me who calls it that, and its just now, not always).
here on the sunnier, always warm and beachy coast* we use more casual, "laid back" terms in everyday life. people who if placed in a NYC setting would be expected to be "corporate" would freely pass around terms that to be honest, simply reflect their age denial. i think its because everyone "does blow" with everyone else around here, whereas on the east coast, they literally snort snow. we dont have it, we had to make our own. please sympathize.
the term "for sure" is everywhere. no matter what kind of workplace or... pleasureplace (?) youre in, you'll hear it, for sure. its not a "FOUR SHORE" sound though, its a "fer shurr" or sometimes when used by people in higher places, "fer showurr" for emphasis i suppose. when its used by an east coaster just adjusting to the concept however, its more delicate (translating into more awkward) "for shurr...orr" but im learning.
anyway i really dont have any other language concepts ive latched onto, but that one really sticks out. so practice it before you come here, please. otherwise youll stand out fur shower.
*dramatization
ive decided to give you a few tidbits on the colloquialisms ive picked up on/embraced since ive moved here to the great Sant Monique (no its just me who calls it that, and its just now, not always).
here on the sunnier, always warm and beachy coast* we use more casual, "laid back" terms in everyday life. people who if placed in a NYC setting would be expected to be "corporate" would freely pass around terms that to be honest, simply reflect their age denial. i think its because everyone "does blow" with everyone else around here, whereas on the east coast, they literally snort snow. we dont have it, we had to make our own. please sympathize.
the term "for sure" is everywhere. no matter what kind of workplace or... pleasureplace (?) youre in, you'll hear it, for sure. its not a "FOUR SHORE" sound though, its a "fer shurr" or sometimes when used by people in higher places, "fer showurr" for emphasis i suppose. when its used by an east coaster just adjusting to the concept however, its more delicate (translating into more awkward) "for shurr...orr" but im learning.
anyway i really dont have any other language concepts ive latched onto, but that one really sticks out. so practice it before you come here, please. otherwise youll stand out fur shower.
*dramatization
Friday, December 1, 2006
Oh American Apparel, you've done it... AGAIN.
Let it be known that American Apparel now has unitards.
I'm not one to completely shun unitards, but these were so bad that I didn't even buy one while drunk-shopping (which is a feat- I've gotten into trouble with black russians + ebay...). In fact, I didn't even buy their striped knee-heigh socks that theoretically sound right up my ally. Because their colors suck.
I think that's why they're open til midnight in the East Village- they're hoping the poor hipsters will get trashed enough to not properly contemplate the abstract concept of money and simply buy a whole bunch of sheisty retro crap.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
The Killer Queen Above the Pub.
I live above a bar, which is why my rent is cheap for the area.
However, let it be known that I live above MacDuff's Public House, which has almost everything I would ask for in a bar:
1. They blast several Queen songs a night. Right now my chair is vibrating to the live version of "Somebody To Love" that my sister put on a mix tape for me.
2. It's European in it's casualness, but has a fabulous curved copper bar that makes it cosmo.
3. A lot of young professionals, whackies, and college kids come here. All the other bars on The Ave attract divorcees and swingers.
4. Drinks are tall and reasonable.
5. My chair is now vibrating to "Under Pressure."
6. Really good modern cuisine that comes displayed like sculptures.
7. Dining area is suitable for a nice date, a lunch meeting or a game of chess over coffee because the tables are wooden chessboards and they keep glass playing pieces in the back.
8. They play Lord of the Rings on a plasma screen.
9. One of the owners, Arjun, is a man about town and always gives me the lowdown on local happenings. He's superchic too.
10. No designated driver needed.
However, let it be known that I live above MacDuff's Public House, which has almost everything I would ask for in a bar:
1. They blast several Queen songs a night. Right now my chair is vibrating to the live version of "Somebody To Love" that my sister put on a mix tape for me.
2. It's European in it's casualness, but has a fabulous curved copper bar that makes it cosmo.
3. A lot of young professionals, whackies, and college kids come here. All the other bars on The Ave attract divorcees and swingers.
4. Drinks are tall and reasonable.
5. My chair is now vibrating to "Under Pressure."
6. Really good modern cuisine that comes displayed like sculptures.
7. Dining area is suitable for a nice date, a lunch meeting or a game of chess over coffee because the tables are wooden chessboards and they keep glass playing pieces in the back.
8. They play Lord of the Rings on a plasma screen.
9. One of the owners, Arjun, is a man about town and always gives me the lowdown on local happenings. He's superchic too.
10. No designated driver needed.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
So, after stressing for weeks - no, actually months - about finding the right therapist, I had finally settled on one. I won't use any names, but I will say that she shares a last name with a very fancy hotel in Greenwich... It all seemed so perfect. She was on my insurance plan and I found her as a reccommended resource on the triangle community center's website (that's the center for gayness in Fairfield County, CT). Anyway, she sounded fantastic and I was thrilled - because I choose my therapists primarily on how they sound on the phone. Jeez! I had one leave me a message and it sounded like she hadn't had human contact in years. Another guy was nuerotic on his voicemail and stressed the fact that I needed to leave a message SLOWLY! with my name and number. You'd think that after three decades of living with answering machines that people would stop having to explain how to use them. But anyway, this hotel heiress sounded fantastic, except there was one weird moment where she said, "Now I AM allergic to fragrances." And when I immediately said "oh, I NEVER wear cologne, so don't worry," she simply continued to implore me to remember to NOT wear ANY kind of scent on the day of my appointment. She also bombarded me with all of these tasks like calling my insurance company to pre-approve the visit and then calling her back and also making a photo copy of my insurance card for her. But, I thought, it's ok. It's ok! She sounds cool. So, she's a little OCD about the cologne. That's fine. I don't like Cologne that much either.
Well, after being basically forced into taking an appointment for 10:15 on a Thursday, I thought to myself, Good Lord! I don't want to to leave work in the middle of the day, go pour my heart out to some stranger and then come back to work. Plus, I'm swamped these days at work and 10-12 is the most productive 2 hours of my day. So, I called to see if I could reschedule for before or after work. Maybe 5 or 6 on a weeknight. Or maybe even 8 or 9 in the morning. Well, I guess this woman works bankers hours. She said to me, "Well, if that's what you're looking for, then I don't think I'm the right person for you." Christ, lady, what if I had rejection issues? Oh wait, I do...
I mean seriously, what do you want me to do, go to work all stressed out, leave for a self-indulgent sob-fest and then go right back to work as if nothing happened? Screw you, Diane. I thought I had found someone. I thought I had finally found THE ONE. I was willing to over-look your eccentricities because it all seemed too serendipidous to be true. I bonded with you the moment I heard your voicemail and now you're telling me that you're not willing to put the extra effort into this relationship? You simply can't wake up in time? are you kidding me? What about my needs? I've been wating to find the right fit for too long and now I have to start all over again? Thanks alot, byatch. Thanks for just exacerbating every issue that i have and refusing to talk to me about any of them. Real professional!
Monday, November 27, 2006
One of your customers, perhaps?
I'm sure you see plenty of this on the Promenade. BTW, do you have a trendy esoteric nickname for that shopping way, as I call Greenwich Avenue "The Ave?"
so thats where mom's shrug went!
yeah i said it, that hunk of lego-looking plasticrap in the centre du promenade troisième is by far the most hideous and downright depressing piece of tree this world has offered. and i opin' from experience: i work not only next to it, but FACING the thing!
so i just drew a picture to further explain my pain here. also, the tree is a weird attempt at cubism i think (just my theory) because its really just a stack of green squares, theyre not even cool-looking enough to be recognized as 3d. and at the foot of the situation is a mound of tacky white "glaciers" and cotton "snow" with wax animals sprinkled here and there. to top it all off, because i guess they got to the point where they were beyond seeing the ugliness and began to get used to it so they overworked it... is a wire cone with a metal ribbon proclaiming "peace on earth" in classy brush script.
so without further ad'... my drawing, and a shitty picture (i promise ill get a cell with a decent cam on it).
in conclusion, this is my job here. and please take note of the crazy in the picture. thanks.
Friday, November 24, 2006
My Madonna Outfit
After watching Madonna's Confessions Tour on NBC, and upon learning that the night before Thanksgiving is the biggest bar night of the year, and upon thusly making tentative plans with my boyfriend, I was inspired to raid your closet to make this fabulous getup:
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